


My smile is extinct

by violetjosh



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorder, M/M, Sad, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 18:53:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13770378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetjosh/pseuds/violetjosh
Summary: "You look like shit."  Josh says, and then. "How do you feel?"Tyler smiles."Great."





	1. Chapter 1

Tyler drops his lunchbox by the river in the forest on his way home from school. As far as he's concerned this is a step in the right direction.

He hides it behind a large rock and he prays that no animal comes upon its contents.

When he gets home he's called down for dinner at 5 and he eats, he chews and he feels sick, a sense of immediate guilt washes over him but he eats it all.

He eats the whole plate, he doesn't want to, he really doesn't want to but he even grabs seconds when his mom asks if he's still hungry. 

 

*

He sees Josh at school, Josh is beautiful, Josh has baggy clothes and no body fat and Josh's hair looks like it's dying.

It looks dry but Tyler figures the red dye in it compensates for how unhealthy it looks.

He sits beside him at lunch, Tyler doesn't have a lunchbox so today he doesn't have a lunch.

Josh has a lunchbox though and he stares at Tyler before pushing it towards him. "Here, I'm not going to eat this."

His wrists look dainty enough to snap and Tyler is tempted to touch him.

Instead he smiles, it's a miserable, fake smile. He's polite, Tyler smiles. "Thank  
You."

There's nothing appetizing about Josh's lunch, Tyler's not sure he would consider this a lunch. If anything this is a snack. There's a plastic bag with 5 carrots in it, an apple and piece of bread.

Tyler eats the carrots. "So why do you sit alone?"

Josh's answer is delayed and Tyler barely catches it. "Because I scare people."

"Why?"

Josh's under eyes are purple. "I'm sick and ugly."

Tyler hums. "Well I think you're beautiful."

Josh blinks. "You're sick too then."

"Maybe I am."

"It was nice meeting you, bye Tyler."

*

He takes the long way home, it's raining and his stomach hurts but it's worth it.

His mom welcomes him home with a hug and Zack invites him to play basketball with him outside. Tyler's shaking, freezing, he feels dizzy but he says yes. 

It's kind of difficult, the ball keeps slipping away from his fingertips as rain coats his skin. As their driveway becomes wet.

Tyler gets tired after 10 minutes and sits down on their porch. "This blows."

Zack looks at him. "You look like shit."

"Fuck off, you don't look so great yourself ."

Tyler gets up and stretches, a raindrop gets in his eye. "I'm going out, tell mom I'll be home after supper."

"Where're you going?"

Tyler shrugs, shivering. "I don't know."

He goes to the park and by the time he gets there he's soaked. It looks like he went in the shower with his clothes on.

He occupies one of the swings until after dinner and then he goes home.

*

For breakfast he has oatmeal and for lunch, he packs an apple in his backpack and gives it to a homeless man on the way to school. His stomach rumbles all morning but it's bearable with the aid of lots of water.

At lunch he sits across from Josh again, he looks considerably better today. Tyler smiles at him, dimples and all.

He says. "Hey."

Josh acknowledges him with a glance but says nothing. Tyler shrugs, searching for his phone in his jean pockets. He needs to busy himself. 

Josh's eyes are narrowed at him when he looks up. "Josh?" Tyler says. 

"Where's your food?" Josh asks carefully, staring at the empty spot in front of Tyler. It's accusing, he knows, Tyler doesn't want him to. He doesn't have a problem, he just doesn't eat lunch or breakfast. 

Tyler considers lying, he lies. "Forgot it. Again." 

"That's dumb." 

"It's fine, i'm not hungry anyways." 

"yeah, okay." 

Tyler picks at his cuticles. "Where's your lunch?" 

Josh rolls his eyes and he stands, irritated. "I forgot it." 

And he leaves and Tyler sticks a bleeding finger into his mouth.

*

He remembers sunny skies and full bellies and big smiles. He remembers reading Madison bedtimes stories and spending hours playing basketball outside with Zack and Jay. He remembers food being good too. He's not sure when it stops being bad, he's not sure when throwing out the contents of his lunchbox starts to makes him happy. But it does and now, now food is bad, food isn't good to him anymore. It's fat, calories, it's another pound to his body. But not right now though, right now food is just an obstacle but it isn't his biggest one. He's not there yet. 

He eats. Sometimes. 

Josh eats, never. If he does Tyler's never seen him. It's not his business, even though he's jealous. Because Josh is all sharp edges, all bones and he doesn't have to see him without a shirt on to be able to tell. 

Tyler looks at Josh and he sees a goal, Tyler looks at Josh and he understands. 

It makes sense. 

* 

Tyler goes for runs as the sun sets and drowns his stomach in water to compensate for lack of food. 

It's not good, it's not good, Tyler thinks it's great, Tyler grabs at the skin concerning his rib cage and searches for bones. 

* 

He continues to sit across from Josh at lunch and Josh stops asking where his lunchbox is, he stops asking if he's going to eat, he stops asking if he's eaten breakfast too. Instead he offers him his water bottle. 

"At least drink water." He'd said with his teeth chewing the inside of is cheek. 

And Tyler had smiled and chugged the whole thing. 

* 

At home he eats half of his dinner and makes sure he serves his own plate. There's always less of everything. He says he has a smaller appetite, it makes sense. He says he isn't hungry, it makes sense. He ate before he got home, that's what he tells them. It makes sense. 

Tyler doesn't make sense, he doesn't understand why he does it. He doesn't understand when it started or how but it's here and he can't eat lunch. 

Josh is late today, he has zero calorie juice locked between shaking hands and brittle nails. 

Tyler is shaking, he's dizzy, exhausted. He smiles and Josh smiles, all sharp bones, he sits. 

"You look like shit." Josh says, and then. "How do you feel?" 

"Great." 

Josh tilts his head and unscrews the cap of his drink. "Yeah? I'm sure you feel fuckin' fantastic." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tyler tugs his hood over his head.

He shrugs. "You're shit at lying." 

"I'm fine." 

"Okay." Josh says. 

"Dude, i'm on top of the world." 

"Okay." 

"I feel great." 

"Okay." 

"Josh I feel like shit, I might faint." Tyler whispers.

"I know." He says finally, he isn't surprised. Tyler is, Tyler's embarrassed. Josh stands, wobbles and he stares at Tyler. For a second Tyler's expecting yelling, Josh is soft though. 

He says. "Get up, come with me." 

Eyebrows furrowed. "Why?" 

There isn't an answer, Josh just blinks and turns on his heel. He walks away out of the cafeteria and Tyler follows.

* 

"You're dying." He starts and chews on his nails once they're outside. "Killing yourself with the slowest form of suicide." 

"I'm not." 

Josh rolls his eyes. "There you go again with your shitty lies." He stares at Tyler. "For an anorexic i'd expect you be a better liar." 

There it is, Tyler is fine. He's okay, Josh is lying. Assuming. Tyler blinks, staring at him with a heavy heart. "W-what?" 

"Am I wrong?" He quirks an eyebrow. 

"Yes." 

"You know, that's insulting. Don't deny your fucking problem like that, I sure as hell don't deny mine." Josh spits, Josh wipes at his mouth and puts out his hand for Tyler to shake. "Hello my name is Josh and i'm anorexic." 

"I'm not anorexic." Tyler says quietly, he isn't like Josh, bile is in his throat. He feels sick and it gets worse when he watches Josh pull out a cigarette. 

They stop at a bench, Josh hasn't said anything, he scratches at his chin and ruffles his hair and god, he looks so cold. His fingers shake and his lips are blue. Tyler scoots beside him, offers him whatever warmth he's been managing to produce. Except he's shivering too. 

"Fine, you don't have an eating disorder. I'm sorry."

Tyler bites his lip. “Thanks.” 

There’s a shrug and a puff of smoke. “Sure.”

* 

Josh is wrong, Tyler repeats this in his head. He’s okay, he’s fine. He eats, mostly. He does eat, he doesn’t look like he has an eating disorder. He’s not like that, he’s okay. Josh is wrong. 

To remind himself of this, he eats when he gets home. Crackers, cereals, apples and two granola bars. He eats, it’s okay. He’s fine.

* 

He doesn’t eat for two days after that, his stomach shrinks, he’s constipated, he feels lighter. 

Josh grabs his hand, it’s cold. “Hey.” 

“I’m okay.” Tyler says. 

“Okay.” He sighs and digs into his pockets. “Let’s go to mine.” 

“We have class.” 

Josh grabs his hand tighter. “Not anymore.”


	2. Chapter 2

Tyler shakes, his hand trembles between Josh’s. He can feel the bones of his fingers like that’s all their is to his hands. 

He thinks he’s being led to Josh’s house maybe, but when they take a turn for the parking lot he understands. The wind is brutal, Tyler might fly away, he can barely push back against it, his legs feel weak, his head hurts. 

He blinks and for a moment things are dark before he sees the parking lot once more. Tyler is fine. 

Josh owns a mini-van, Tyler almost laughs, but he doesn’t because he’s too busy chattering his teeth and focusing on getting warm. Josh unlocks the doors and Tyler scurries inside and into the passenger seat, he curls in on himself the moment he’s inside, Josh doesn’t. 

He may be all bones and nothing more but he elongates himself and pushes the drivers seat back so he has more room. 

“Are you cold?” Josh asks, Tyler’s freezing.

He shakes his head, ignoring the goosebumps along his arms as he clings to his sweater. “No.” 

The heat gets turned on anyways, full blast, Josh rolls his shoulders and turns his body towards him in the most natural way. Tyler wants to see his ribs, he knows they’re probably visible. 

“Look in the glovebox.” Josh sighs, shakily, pointing at it. 

Tyler does, he opens it and a large chocolate bar falls out. His heart speeds up, his head hurts, he might cry. He grabs it off the ground and looks at Josh with big eyes. “I-Josh.” He wavers. “I can’t.” 

His body doesn’t need it. It’ll reject it. Tyler can’t, he can’t, he won’t. 

“Eat it Tyler.” 

Tyler shoves it into Josh’s hand and pulls his knees up. “You eat it.” 

Josh has the decency to smile. “I will, watch me.” He grips the wrapping and tears. Tyler can already smell the chocolate. “It’s going to taste so good.” 

“You won’t do it.” Tyler whispers, his tongue feels heavy in his mouth as he speaks. 

The wrapper comes free, it tumbles to Josh’s feet, leaving the chocolate in between his shaky fingers. It looks so good. Josh shrugs. “I won’t gain weight if I eat this.” 

Josh might not but Tyler will, Tyler will gain weight because at the taste of it he’ll want more. He’ll go home and raid his whole kitchen and he cannot let that happen. “And if you do?” 

“Then i won’t eat for a week.” Josh easily, sitting up carefully. “Now watch me eat this.” 

Tyler watches, there’s no way he can’t. Josh delicately snaps the chocolate bar in half and places part of it on the console. He looks at Tyler and licks his thumb clean of melted chocolate, what is he doing. And then he takes a bite, a small one and Tyler can feel the chocolate going down his own throat as he watches Josh chew nice and slow. 

Josh’s adam’s apple is razor sharp as he swallows. “I think if I eat anymore I might throw up.” 

“Then why eat it?” Tyler asks. Unaware of how consumed he’s become. 

“It’s all apart of my recovery.” Josh sighs, closing his eyes. He looks fucking exhausted. “I’ll get out of this.” He whispers quietly, pulling his arms to his chest. 

Recovery. Tyler shakes his head, why would he do that. “You’re recovering?” He asks carefully, quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. He can’t remember when he became so quiet but he can’t stop himself from being scared of Josh’s reaction. 

Josh cracks a smile and then laughs, coughing, wheezing. He has to sit up and hide his face in his hands. “Fuck.” He chokes out, still laughing, wiping his eyes. He looks at Tyler smiling and Tyler smiles too for a second but it doesn’t last very long because Josh starts to break. His facade cracks and he breaks down into tears. “I wish I could.” 

He quickly grabs Tyler’s hand. “I’m fucked. But you’re not yet. You need to recover.” 

“From?” Tyler asks, he’s still okay. 

Josh stares at him as though he’s ridiculous. “Oh man, maybe you are fucked. Has nothing changed since last time I saw you?” He squeezes his hand tight, there’s warmth between them somehow. 

“I won’t let what happened to you, happen to me.” Tyler says. “I’m going to be okay.” 

“Bullshit.” He rips his hand away. “That’s not how eating disorders work. They never go away.” Josh says. “You’ll always be like this now, I should know. I’ve been relapsing for 5 years straight. You can’t escape.” 

Tyler holds back his tears and unlocks the car door. “I’ll see you later.” 

He sits inside the school bathrooms until last period comes around. 

 

* 

When Tyler gets home he runs to his room. The door shut behind him he strips himself of his clothes. They come off slowly, he can’t do it too quickly or he might fall over. 

It’s only been a month since this all started and Tyler knows he’s barely lost weight. He knows he’s not in enough control, but maybe Josh’s right. He can get out of this, it would be so easy to just eat. It would be so easy to just forget. Josh is wrong, no he’s very wrong and he needs to stop telling Tyler what to do and just let him be. They aren’t friends, it’s unfair. Josh is fucking with him. 

His sweater falls to the floor and when he looks in the mirror his heart shatters. His stomach is taunt and flat, he can’t suck it in like he used to or else it’ll hurt. He can feel the tightness of his stomach and he nearly cries because he can only get it to look this way, feel like this, with a week without food. He hasn’t eaten in a week. It’s ridiculous but it works. Josh is wrong. 

Tyler can sort of make out his ribs if he reaches above his head, but it’s not enough. There’s more work to be done and he’ll manage it no matter what. He strips down his pants next and stares at his hips, they’re sharper then before, they hurt him when he lies down on flat surfaces. They cause him discomfort, they poke out. It’s not good enough. 

He feels at his legs next, their the worst. Hes honestly sure they look the same, they’re still wise and he doesn’t know how to make them smaller. He must be doing something wrong. 

Tyler spends the rest of the night examining his body, he cries so much he can barely breathe. 

* 

He sees Josh again, can’t seem to get rid of him. He doesn’t offer him chocolate this time, just sits down across from him at lunch with a tall water bottle. 

“I’ll stop offering you chocolate.” He says, it’s a peace offering. 

Tyler nods. “Yeah, okay.” 

Josh nods too. “I want to be your friend, does that bother you?” 

“No.” Tyler says.

He nods again and pulls his water bottle into his lap. “Everything will be okay you know? I over reacted the other day. You can get out of this.” 

Tyler shivers, closes his eyes. “I don’t want to talk about that.” He squeezes his palms, nails digging. “It’s not important.” 

Josh gapes. “Of course it’s important.” 

“It makes me feel upset.” 

“I fucking hope it does, it should upset you.” Josh frowns. 

Tyler shrugs. “Can we go in your car again, it’s too cold in here.” 

Josh stares at him for a moment, he looks mad. Tyler has started to notice that he almost always looks mad or upset though and if he doesn’t, he looks like he’s about to cry or faint. Never anything else, and when Josh smiles, well it’s a rare occasion and Tyler’s only ever seen him do it a few times. He cherishes those memories though. 

“Sure, we can go eat lunch in my car.” Josh stands, grabs Tyler’s hand and drags him out of school. 

They both end up falling asleep, too exhausted to stay awake. Tyler curls up in his seat and Josh puts a timer on his phone so they can wake up before lunch is over. They have an hour, maybe less. It’s fine. 

* 

Tyler can’t run anymore, he nearly faints when he tries. So instead he walks, he walks everywhere. 

He starts taking the long route to school, he starts walking all the way to Josh’s house so then Josh can drive him to school with him. 

He goes on walks at midnight because he can’t fall asleep without having nightmares anymore. 

He is an empty man now, he’s barely living. He barely eats and barely sleeps and Josh brings it up one day as they walk home after school. 

“I don’t understand.” Josh says.

Tyler grabs his arm. “What?” 

“I don’t know how you’re still walking.” 

“Well I don’t know how you’re still alive.” Tyler taunts. “You look like you belong on your death bed.” 

Josh laughs. “I already am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clearly i have many things to work out, this is gonna become a fic i update whenever i’m upset enough to. Sorry it’s ultra depressing and Tyler’s a big idiot. give me your thoughts yeah? 
> 
> i like feedback a lot especially since i’m unsure of just about everything i write.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m not sure what this is, I might make a series of fics based off of eating disorders because i’m in the middle of a relapse and that’s all i can think about right now.


End file.
